How picky are you in finding a lady to date?

Can attraction be a conscious decision?  Can we, as human beings, simply decide that we like something?

Ice Cream

What’s your absolute favorite flavor of ice cream?  The one flavor that just rings a bell with you.  For my brother, he just loves strawberry ice cream.  Sure, there’s different versions of strawberry, but his favorite is Breyers Natural Strawberry.   Other members of the family like different flavors including chocolate, Rocky Road, vanilla, and even maple nut.  But my brother just loves the strawberry flavor ice cream.

Could I talk him into eating one of the other flavors? Even maple nut?  Sure, it can be done.  He doesn’t hate the other flavors, but they just don’t do much of anything for him.

How about, say, asparagus ice cream?
He hates asparagus, but it’s safe to say he’s never tried that type of ice cream.

Could I persuade him into at least trying the asparagus ice cream once?  Maybe toss in a little motivation?  $100 do the trick?  Or just out of a sense of adventure?  I think this would work.  With some conscious decision-making, he could decide to go through with it and try the asparagus ice cream.



Taste Buds

But can I persuade him to like it?
Can he even persuade himself into thinking that his taste buds jump for joy with asparagus ice cream?

I submit that the answer to that is….no.

Sure, he might be able to force himself to eat it, even tolerate it.  But will the asparagus ice cream elicit the same response as the Breyers Natural Strawberry?  Will the asparagus flavor become a favorite?

Again, I say…no.

Attraction is Subconscious

Whether a person can verbalize their preferences or not, they will end up liking what they like.  They will gravitate toward that they find attractive. They will act on those things they find interesting.

Attraction is either there or it isn’t.
You can’t force it.
You can’t push it.
You can’t create it if it isn’t there.

This is why trying to impress a lady or trying to convince her on an intellectual level that you’re a good catch or a nice guy or trying to buy her with fancy dates and gifts does not work.  You might attract the proverbial gold digger, but they are attracted to the gift, not to you.

And such it is with men too.

Three Depths of Attraction

As we get to know people, we first physically see them.  Then most likely we will get to know them on an intellectual level.  And only as things progress along will we get a glimpse of them on a deeper spiritual level.

So from the shallow end of the pool to the deepest:

  • Physical
  • Intellectual
  • Spiritual

That’s the general timeline of how we learn about people, but the importance of it is in the reverse order, with spiritual being the deepest, followed by intellectual in the middle, and physical last.  Especially as physical changes over time in this lifetime.

Have you ever been on that first date with a really beautiful lady but the more she talks, the more you simply don’t want to be around her anymore?  Typically those first dates of talking are getting to know somebody on an intellectual level.  And either you’re intellectually attracted to them or not.

But make no mistake, all three are required to be there.
Physical attributes are not enough.


I don’t know why the swan-tiara-look
never took off as a fashion statement

Checklists, checklists, checklists!

We hear about the checklists.  Tiny or tall, brunette or blonde, certain body type, career in certain fields, and the list goes on.  This is a human trait of trying to understand the underlying ingredients to somehow shortcut the system and logically deduce whether we should love a person or not.  But saying that way just sounds silly.

Some of us may figure out through trial and error (and more error) a few of our preferences over time.  But even then, have you known people that say they seem to like one type, but then end up marrying someone that doesn’t seem to fit the type?  It’s just that person learning more about their inner self as they go along.

I say if you’re not 110% sure about your checklist, then perhaps don’t pre-filter ahead of time and enjoy meeting and learning about people.  Or as one friend put it, just find someone that doesn’t annoy the crap out of you and go from there.

If you’re being true to yourself, then you’re not being too picky.  Will we find people along the way that didn’t work out? Absolutely!  And in the mean time, try the maple nut ice cream, you may just be surprised.



What are my odds of meeting somebody?

So after watching Amy Webb’s TED talk sometime back, I enjoyed the part where she showed the odds of her meeting the man of her dreams and all.


So of course, my inner-geek kicked in and I started doodling…in Microsoft Excel.  Doodling and Excel is a bad combination for me.  A couple of tabs of spreadsheets later, and I found that my stomach was grumbling for want of food, but also, the numerical answer to me looked…daunting.

I used common demographic numbers on the web, population numbers in the US, populations of my state and city, adult demographics, couplehood demographics, percentages of LDS members, and more.  I used calculations of how many times people date before meeting the person they like, how many people they talk to in online dating before even hitting it off, I crunched numbers, and had a grand ol’ time and it looked something like Amy Web’s chart above…kind of.

One in a Million

Meeting somebody on the street (or supermarket) in my home state, numerically the spreadsheet tells me there might be 2 or 3 ladies in my state that are the woman of my dreams.  Given the adult population of my state, this means she’s truly one in a million.

I have better odds at getting a royal flush at a Vegas poker table.

The odds of me walking into a supermarket in the average US town and seeing a lady that would fit what I’m looking for came to just slightly above 1 in 100,000.

For me to walk into an LDS church on Sunday in an average LDS chapel in the US and see the lady of my dreams, I factored in percentage of those that are already married using LDS numbers, but it still came out higher at nearly 4 in 100,000.

Going to a LDS single adult activity filters things quite a bit and the number jumps to a whopping 85 in a 100,000 for my odds.  Sounds fantastic, right?  Those single adults thing really do help a lot.  Well, it’s still a 0.085% chance (less than one-hundredth of a single percentage point).

Going onto an online LDS-focused dating site, my odds jump even higher to…112 in 100,000.

At least I’m well above (10 times higher) than the odds of me being struck by lightning in my lifetime and even better than the odds of me being in an automobile accident if I drive to general conference.

Lessons Learned

#1 – Like Amy Webb, I must be picky

#2 – Stay off the MS Excel for doodling

#3 – The lesson of “with the Lord all things are possible” really comes to heart

#4 – Whichever lady I do meet, it sounds like she must genuinely be amazing