How picky are you in finding a lady to date?

Can attraction be a conscious decision?  Can we, as human beings, simply decide that we like something?

Ice Cream

What’s your absolute favorite flavor of ice cream?  The one flavor that just rings a bell with you.  For my brother, he just loves strawberry ice cream.  Sure, there’s different versions of strawberry, but his favorite is Breyers Natural Strawberry.   Other members of the family like different flavors including chocolate, Rocky Road, vanilla, and even maple nut.  But my brother just loves the strawberry flavor ice cream.

Could I talk him into eating one of the other flavors? Even maple nut?  Sure, it can be done.  He doesn’t hate the other flavors, but they just don’t do much of anything for him.

How about, say, asparagus ice cream?
He hates asparagus, but it’s safe to say he’s never tried that type of ice cream.

Could I persuade him into at least trying the asparagus ice cream once?  Maybe toss in a little motivation?  $100 do the trick?  Or just out of a sense of adventure?  I think this would work.  With some conscious decision-making, he could decide to go through with it and try the asparagus ice cream.

Yummy!

 

Taste Buds

But can I persuade him to like it?
Can he even persuade himself into thinking that his taste buds jump for joy with asparagus ice cream?

I submit that the answer to that is….no.

Sure, he might be able to force himself to eat it, even tolerate it.  But will the asparagus ice cream elicit the same response as the Breyers Natural Strawberry?  Will the asparagus flavor become a favorite?

Again, I say…no.

Attraction is Subconscious

Whether a person can verbalize their preferences or not, they will end up liking what they like.  They will gravitate toward that they find attractive. They will act on those things they find interesting.

Attraction is either there or it isn’t.
You can’t force it.
You can’t push it.
You can’t create it if it isn’t there.

This is why trying to impress a lady or trying to convince her on an intellectual level that you’re a good catch or a nice guy or trying to buy her with fancy dates and gifts does not work.  You might attract the proverbial gold digger, but they are attracted to the gift, not to you.

And such it is with men too.

Three Depths of Attraction

As we get to know people, we first physically see them.  Then most likely we will get to know them on an intellectual level.  And only as things progress along will we get a glimpse of them on a deeper spiritual level.

So from the shallow end of the pool to the deepest:

• Physical
• Intellectual
• Spiritual

That’s the general timeline of how we learn about people, but the importance of it is in the reverse order, with spiritual being the deepest, followed by intellectual in the middle, and physical last.  Especially as physical changes over time in this lifetime.

Have you ever been on that first date with a really beautiful lady but the more she talks, the more you simply don’t want to be around her anymore?  Typically those first dates of talking are getting to know somebody on an intellectual level.  And either you’re intellectually attracted to them or not.

But make no mistake, all three are required to be there.
Physical attributes are not enough.

I don’t know why the swan-tiara-look
never took off as a fashion statement

Checklists, checklists, checklists!

We hear about the checklists.  Tiny or tall, brunette or blonde, certain body type, career in certain fields, and the list goes on.  This is a human trait of trying to understand the underlying ingredients to somehow shortcut the system and logically deduce whether we should love a person or not.  But saying that way just sounds silly.

Some of us may figure out through trial and error (and more error) a few of our preferences over time.  But even then, have you known people that say they seem to like one type, but then end up marrying someone that doesn’t seem to fit the type?  It’s just that person learning more about their inner self as they go along.

I say if you’re not 110% sure about your checklist, then perhaps don’t pre-filter ahead of time and enjoy meeting and learning about people.  Or as one friend put it, just find someone that doesn’t annoy the crap out of you and go from there.

If you’re being true to yourself, then you’re not being too picky.  Will we find people along the way that didn’t work out? Absolutely!  And in the mean time, try the maple nut ice cream, you may just be surprised.

 

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Age differences in dating for LDS singles

First, we’re not talking about any dating of ages of youngin’s on here.  Or anything having to do with younger people who may not be fully up to making such adult decisions yet.  And we’re also not talking about exploitation of such.  We’re talking about say…a 30 year old dating a 50 year old.  Or something along those lines.

LDS theology follows that the truth has been restored.  The answer of life the universe and everything is being revealed through modern day prophets.  Why just the other week in priesthood meeting, the teacher even revealed that such an answer was in fact “42.”  True, the teacher was me, but he did recite scripture from the First Book of Douglas Adams about it, so it must be legit.

One of the topics in the world is the May-December or the December-May relationships that occur in our culture. In the 21^st century, this may not be as common of a phenomenon as it was in say, the 19^th century, but it’s still a great topic for discussion.

Hollywood gives multiple examples:

• Jeff Goldblum (62 ) and Emilie Livingston (31)
• Ellen Barkin (57) and Sam Levinson (26)
• Kelsey Grammar (up there) and everybody (down there)

There’s more, Michael Douglas, Al Pacino, Cher, the list goes on.

But what about within the LDS culture in which the view on marriage trandscends this world.  The concept that we lived as spirits before coming here to this Earth and continuing on to live resurrected and even married together after death? Is there something in the bishop’s handbook on that?  A conference talk?  A primary lesson?  What’s the magic number?  (other than 42)  Is it really half-your-age-plus-7? That would include Scarlett Johansson for me.

What will the neighbors think?

Some months ago, a friend was visiting. Yes, a lady friend, and an adult.  But, no, not that kind of lady friend.  But she’s also young, like younger than Scarlet Johansson…er…half my age.  We were joking around about what if she came to church with me and kinda hung on my arm, sat close in sacrament meeting, grabbed my hand, the whole scene, right?  Oh, I love my ward dearly, they’re a wonderful bunch.  But no doubt that night in the hundred plus households there’d be a discussion on what’s-he-doing-with-that-younger-lady.  I’d get needled by the FFB’s (fun friendly bretheren) in the ward for…well…probably months.

Eternal

If it’s all eternal anyway, what’s the deal with the age thing?

Personally, I do have an aversion to dating too far off my age range.  Though I’ve dated a number of years younger (11ish difference in years) and a number of years older (8), those numbers haven’t bothered me at my…well…advancing (ahem) age.  But still, the idea of dating someone half my age or dating a lady a dozen years older, pushes my social sensibilities.  Whether this comes from growing up in our society and going with the flow or from somewhere else, I do share this idea.  But why?

Aren’t we all the same age in the next life…kinda?  Is age in this life “just a number?”

And we do have age-defined activities from young-single-adults, single-adults, mid-singles.  So there’s some sort of thought going in there somewhere.  Perhaps the age is not “just a number.”

And what about the gender differences on ages?

• Males prefer younger, same age, or slightly older
• Females prefer slightly…well..same age, or older
• Surveys say that 75% of couples in the US are the same age (33%) or the husband is slightly older.

Common goals at the time

One thing I’ve noticed is that I relate easier to people that are in some of the same phases as me in life.  Raising children of roughly similar ages seems to be a big part of it, which makes sense as raising children is a…well…big part.

At one time, I didn’t have any children.  Another time, I had diapers around the house ready to be used at a moment’s notice.  Now the kids have their noses in their smartphones all day long.  Going back a phase or two sounds….odd…to me.  But it’s done.  Remember Michael Douglas?  He’s way (way) older than me, yet his youngest is younger than my youngest.

Back to eternal again

But take the single adults and midsingles thing.  Many times these are people that have older children and aren’t going back to a diaper phase (other than…heh…later in life. Sure, we laugh now!).  But still, the concept of dating within some age range of oneself is there, just not exactly written down.

I’m still not certain on the concept of how choosing in this lifetime roughly around one’s age is the way to go in the eyes of the Lord.  Then again, it’s not a burning question that I’m faced with as the lady I’ve seen most recently has a whopping difference from my age of 15…months!  15 months!  Not years.

(yeah, she totally doesn’t know she was mentioned in a post, so keep that under your hat. Plus she writes gooder better than me and I’d end up in her writings doing who knows what)

Probabilities

Could it be that the wide differences may make for different phases of life and the two people simply wouldn’t relate to each other that well?  Does it make for higher odds that one person may pass away much earlier than the other making for decades of the surviving spouse looking to remarry (bringing up possible sealing questions)?

Is it just easier to stick to the semi-near age groups?

And contrary to popular reports, if a mid-single shows up at a YSA activity flashing a printout of my article, it does not (repeat, does not) automatically get you into the activity.